Beginning (2007)

Everything at the airport was cold - the food, the seats, and the people. They probably know that everybody is here temporarily. Things that are accustomed to farewells are cold. Back then I was not.

With no consciousness of passage of time, my family and I went from airport to airplane, sleeping, densely packed in a dimly lit canister, feeding on served meals, without knowing which meal of the day it is. When the concept of time became opaque, the seatbelt lines turned off and we were again guided with arrows to a long line. At the end of the line was a uniformed officer who looked down on me, asking me why I am here. I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t tell him the ultimate reason I was here, it sort of `happened’ to be, and that I am quite confused. I did what my parents told me, which was to smile and say `study’.

 

There was a large airplane at the baggage claim area, and a door, finally. January 5th of 2007, at 7 am, or at night back in Korea. I now had to get used to having two different times - or two different everythings - homes, lives, identities, whatever. My father went outside to smoke. I followed him. I wanted to get some air. The air was cold, making the smoke from my father heavier, and thicker. I think it was from this moment, I started to view my father as a person - to acknowledge his humanity - that he is not always perfect, strong, or fearful, that he worries, fears, and loves.

 

The direct motivation for my departure is not quite clear. I just wasn’t a great student in Korea. I didn’t have the best grades, nor was I a troublemaker. I was an extremely average student, that, if one day I disappeared, little would notice. My father was a strict man. He is a strict man. He was not satisfied with my grades, and me being his son, and wanting his son to succeed, was angry. Then we came up with the idea to study abroad, see how it goes. So here I was.

 

I didn’t give it much thought. I was actually quite incapable of thinking, I was 14. The only salient thought I had was the excitement of having my own laptop and my own room - what games to play, what movies to watch. That’s what excited me - freedom and privacy.

 

In that confusion, in that cold winter gust, upon seeing my father’s smoke, and my laptop bag, my head started to ache. It was the first time, to acknowledge a forthcoming farewell. I didn’t know what to do - it was such an alien concept to me.